Super Condensed Fantasy Mystery

“I’m just a yokel security guard two days away from retirement. Ho! Something weird’s going on over here. I’ll check it out. Too bad the power’s out and my flashlight isn’t working all that great and—ack!”

“Hahahaha! I’m the bad guy. I’m standing in the shadows so you can’t see me clearly. Bad magic to your face! Yeeeah! And you’re dead.”

“That would seem to be the case. Blearrggh…”

***

“I’m an elf. I’m an private investigator. I have problems, but I’ll just hint at them for right now. I have a hot girlfriend, but she doesn’t show up in this scene. So, never mind. I have a murder to go investigate. Bye.”

***

“I’m investigating. Something’s wrong with this crime scene. Not sure what. Oh. That’s my boss. He hates me and my elfness. I don’t know if that makes him a racist or what, but ehh. Whatever. This is my quirky female partner. We will never kiss or anything. So, don’t even think about shipping us. Even if we do have some awesome chemistry going on.”

“Oh, hi. Person who’s just standing about. Did you see anything? Yes? Tell me about it. Oh, you have some red herrings for me? Thanks! I love herrings. Yum yum yum.”

“Love interest just called with personal character development stuff. Please excuse me. I’ll get back to the mystery in a second.”

“Okay! Now, that I’ve shown off my amazing chemistry with my love interest (even though some of you will still want me to be with my quirky partner for some reason), back to the mystery.”

“Hello, suspicious character in a sharp black suit and sharp black shoes. Who are you and do you have any connection to this crime? Did you know the victim? Do you know who may have killed him? Oh, you have a whole pile of red herrings for me! You’re way too generous. Uhh, do you want to take some back? I don’t think I can eat all of these herrings. You’re right. I can share them with my female partner who is not my love interest.”

“Cute banter with my not love interest female partner. Oh, she’s an elf too. Sorry. Forgot to mention that earlier. She’s sassy and full of attitude. She doesn’t like my red herrings. She thinks there’s something off-putting about them. Hmm. She has a point. They do smell pretty fishy. I mean, as red herrings go.”

“Oops! It’s time for my problems to manifest themselves. Eearrgh! Such problems. Problems. Problems. Problems. Oh, love interest. I’m so glad you’re here. Let’s kiss away my problems. Smile. Lots of love.”

“Okay. Enough of that. Back to the mystery.”

***

“Bwaaaahahahahha! I’m so evil. No one will ever know that I am evil. Especially that dupe of an elf. He’s stupid and clueless and I will eventually try to kill him. But not yet. He doesn’t have enough clues to ire me up.”

“I’ll be back later. Till then, bwaaaaaaahahahahhahaha! Remember how evil I am.”

****

“Okay! Things are looking good. We have a suspect. So, I’m interrogating him. My boss is standing over my shoulder, muttering about my incompetence. I kick him out of the interrogation room. Geesh! There’s a time and place, man. Time and place.”

“Tell me what you know.”

“I know nothing.”

“Yes you do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You do.”

“Don’t.”

“Do.”

“Don’t.”

“Aww, come on. Give me a break. I’m an elf. I can tell that you’re lying.”

“Oh, shoot. Uhh, do you want a red herring?”

“Nah, I have too many.”

“Darn.”

“Tell me the truth.”

“Okay. Someone killed that guy, but it wasn’t me. It was…Ack! I’m suddenly and shockingly dead. bye. Too bad. I had all of the information you needed. Oh, well. I’ll give you this strange and cryptic item. My mission here is complete. Now, I’m dead. Glaaaarrrg…”

***

“So, I’m doing some investigating on the strange and cryptic item the dead body gave me. Uhh, sorry. Interrogation room dead body. My boss is yelling at me again and threatening to kick me off the force. Dude. I’m not even on the force.”

“I really worry about that man. But I’m going to engage in some more cute banter with my female partner. But there is nothing between us. You want me to wind up with my….Oh, look. My love interest just entered the room. Just as my partner and I look like we’re about to kiss. We’re not, by the way. She had something in her eye and I was trying to see what it was and…”

“Well. Yeah. My significant other totally misunderstood the situation. Now, she’s all mad at me. *sigh*”

“Okay. Enough side track, I just found a few more clues based on that strange and cryptic item.”

“Darn it! I just realized that all of those red herrings were dead end fish. Like, they all led me to nowhere. I’ll just have to throw them all out. Plus, they were all starting to smell pretty rancid.”

“Darn! My problems are manifesting themselves again. I wish my significant other were here to comfort me as she always does. But nope. She’s still mad at me. Won’t even answer my phone call.”

“Ohhhh. Problems. Problems. Problems. Crisis point. Misery. Such problems.”

“Oh, my partner is here. She’s talking to me and patting my back and making me feel so much better. My problems are fading away. I’m so glad she’s here.”

“She says something that pops me out of my doldrums. I can see what I’ve been missing. I grab the strange and cryptic item, mess around with it, half-break it, and voila! Part of the mystery is solved.”

“That’s when I realize that the security guard’s death was just a red herring. There’s more at stake here than I imagined.”

“No. My partner and I don’t kiss or anything. Why do you ask? Why do you even expect it? Come on! I have a red hot love interest. True, we’re not speaking at the moment and she kind of let me down when I really needed her.”

“Anyway! I’m rushing back to the scene of the crime. No. The first crime. As we’re driving along way too fast, I’m monologuing to my partner and she’s chipping in with what she thinks. The solution to the mystery is coming together in beautiful ways.”

“Here we are at the scene of the crime. I find proof that my partner and I are so right. Huzzah!”

“Oh! Hi, honey! I’m so glad to see you again. What’s wrong? You’re acting all weird. Is this because of the mad crazy chemistry I have going on with my partner? Look. It’s like this. She and I are buddies. Nothing more. I totally mean that.”

“Okay. You’re still acting weird. What? What? The bad guy is here and he’s using you as bait? What?”

*bullets fly left and right*

“My love interest pulls out something that looks like a computer’s flash drive. She points it at me. Zap! Pow!”

“And I’m unconscious. My second to last thought is Babe! What the heck? My very last thought is I hope my quirky partner is okay.”

***

“Bwaaaaahahahahaha! You have done well, my lovely.”

“Yes.”

*whole bunch of hugging and kissing between bad guy and MY love interest.*

***

“Anyway, I’m conscious now, but I’m all tied up. And my problems are starting to kick in again. Darn! Why now? I don’t see my partner anywhere, but my range of vision is kind of limited (due to me being all tied up). I call out for my love interest.”

“Well! Wheee-hooo! and a whole bunch of other cat-calls. My love interest’s just entered the room and she’s wearing an outfit that is just pure eye candy. I have a bad feeling I’m drooling. But that could be connected to my problems, which are spiking upwards.”

“I ask her to help me. And she gives me a whole load of bad attitude about me and my quirky partner. I try to tell her that there’s nothing going on between us. It’s all platonic.”

“I think I sound pretty convincing. I wish I did. But my voice is kind of whiny because of my worsening problems.”

“That’s when the bad guy comes in. I’m secretly hoping that it’s my boss because that would be pretty epic. Nope. It isn’t. It’s that suspicious character in the sharp black suit and sharp black shoes who gave me that whole big pile of red herrings. (Darn. I think I left them on my kitchen table. Darn darn darn. My house is going to reek of fish.)”

“You?”

“Yes, me.”

“Why? I’m asking this even though I have a pretty good idea. I’d  just like the verification.”

“Okay. This is why.” *insert long and convoluted monologue.* Oh. *Also, insert a whole bunch of character abuse.*

“I clench my teeth in pain and rage. I demand that he release my love interest from his brain hold.”

“Bwaaaaaaahahahhahahahahahahahhahhahahahahhahaha!”

“I lose control after the fiftieth ‘hahahaha’. My problems reach their climax. My elf powers go berserk!”

“Oh, no! Your elf powers have gone berserk! Ahh. uhh. Seems like this is a good time for me to escape. Bwaaaaaahahahahhahahahhahhahahahahhahahahahaha! You will never catch me! You lose, sir! You lose forever!”

“I would normally try to stop him, but I’m barely aware of anything right now. My mind is about to deeply fry out.”

“Then. Something touches me. Even though lightning bolts are shooting out of my body, someone touches me. Hugs me. Holds me tight.”

“I start to regain control. My problems die down. They will never truly go away. But right now they die down. My senses return. I can see who’s hugging me.”

“My love interest. Wait. Why were you expecting it to be my partner? She went off to call for back up and she’s currently getting the upper hand on the bad guy.”

“But right now. At this moment, the bad guy, this whole mystery, even my quirky partner…None of that matters.”

“I totally make out with my love interest and whisper sweet words to her.”

“And she finally sees. She understands where my heart lies. It is always with her.”

“Oh, there’s some fun wrap up stuff, including the bad guy being thoroughly trounced by my partner, but we’re gonna wrap up with me and my love interest wrapped up in each other’s arms.”

“All of the ruckus and noise behind us fades away. We are so happy. We are so in love.”

The end.

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