New Year’s Message From Mark Caten

“Well. I didn’t get a chance to say my Christmas message.” Mark Caten tapped his fifteen page message against the back of Ambrose’s chair. “Which is very disappointing. It isn’t nice to disappoint a god.”

He walked over to the microphone. “Hmm. They’re all at The Red Envelope getting high on sake. This is my golden opportunity to show them.”

He set the papers next to the microphone and rubbed his hands together. “And I will show them. I’m going to hijack the New Year’s message. Hahahahahahhaha! No one disappoints me and ruins my fun. NO ONE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Mark Caten snapped his fingers and his minion on the other side of the recording booth pressed record.

He cleared his throat and leaned into the microphone. “Hello, ladies and losers. This is Mark Caten speaking, but you can call me Lord and Master. Or you can call me Oh, Great and Mighty One. I would like that. Or god. You can call me god and I won’t complain.” He sighed. “This past year hasn’t been all that great for me. My daughter got killed by Ambrosia Smith. My nutcase vampire ex-wife tried to have me killed. Preyuna won’t stop whinging about me letting her go. Ambrose and that dingy little fey destroyed a fortune’s worth of my high quality Neiman Marcus spy cameras. My Davisburg location went up in flames. Oh, it is so difficult to be me. No one fully understands me and the burdens I bear on my Armanied shoulders. But I am hoping that this upcoming year will be nice and peaceful.”

“Maybe this year SOMEONE will finally kill that vampire for me. I’m looking at you, McLoser Mayhew. He must die. If Ambrosia Smith lives to see the end of this story, there is no justice. He must die. He killed my daughter. So, he has to die. It is a sacred balance. A life for a life. Ambrose Smith must die.”

“Everyone’s aiming to kill me off. I don’t know why. I am so good and benevolent. I am so merciful. I am wonderful and lustrous and marvelous and divine in every possible way. This is a simple and undeniable truth. I am perfect. Why do people want me to die? I just don’t get it. Eh. I’ll just chalk it up to the bitterest, most pathetic brand of jealousy. Because that. That I can understand. There are so many reasons for a man or a woman to be jealous of my many fine qualities.”

“I could list off my fine qualities, but this message is running long and someone is contractually bound to interrupt me. Probably Preyuna. She can be such a wet blanket sometimes. But. Mmm. She is one delectable cupcake. I will never let her leave me. No matter what.”

“Anyway, I wish myself a prosperous and happy new year. And hopefully no one will try to kill me. Oh, who am I kidding? Someone will try. Here’s hoping that they will fail and fail big so I can laugh at their ineptness and then kill them. Won’t that be grand?”

“As for you small, ungodly, worm-bellied losers out there, you may have a happy new year as well. I give you my permission to do so. Aren’t I wonderful?”



2 thoughts on “New Year’s Message From Mark Caten

    1. 😆 It was totally something that he would say.

      Mark’s character is so much fun to write. I think I’ll actually feel bad when I do kill him off. Yet it will be very satisfying for him to finally get what’s coming to him (and then some). It’s going to be a big, tangled up, epic moment that’s just a series of patches right now. I know that certain characters have to be present. I know who’s going to kill him. But there are certain details that I have to still figure out either in my head or in the writing.

      Liked by 1 person

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