Dear manager of The Homicidal Homily Hotel,
I will have you know that I am deeply disappointed with your clearly false advertising. You had said in your brochures that this was a place to get away from vampires and ghouls and other paranormal creatures. You had promised me a fearfully rollicking good time. Ax-wielding maniacs and dangerous traps and secret trap doors….. THAT was the good time I had in mind when I paid for my reservation.
What did I get instead? Well, let me tell you.
First night of my stay at your “esteemed” establishment —your brochure’s choice of words. Not mine — I went out for a late night swim. I had assumed that the pool would be empty. But no. There was a merman in the pool. Can you believe such audacity? A merman!
Oh, of course, he was quite beautiful with his silver streamer hair and his siren-like singing. And he smelled surprisingly like Irish Spring body wash. Not at all like fish or seaweed.
And, yes. Of course, I fell in love with him. He was terribly charming and kind and so in need of someone to love and his eyes were like moonlight on a still lake. We had many long conversations by the pool.
And yes. Of course, I found a way to be with him and I have moved out to the ocean to live happily ever after with him.
I am writing this to let you know that I am deeply disappointed in your false advertising and blatant lies. If you wish to speak to me regarding my complaint, please write your message on a piece of paper, roll it up nice and tight, stuff it into a bottle, seal the bottle, and fling said bottle into the ocean. I will eventually receive your message and contact you.
Mrs. Adelaide X